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Anekdotes 5 months ago

I'm Trying to Remember The Name of A Song

It's about a girl with amnesia talking to her Grandmother.
The lyrics are "Oh, Nana, What's My Name?"
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Anekdotes 5 months ago

What’s long and hard and full of semen?

A Submarine.

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Anekdotes 5 months ago

A man is shopping for cattle in 1886...

He finally settles on a perfect Black Angus bull. He says to the owner "Here's the money. I need to send a message to my wife to come pick up the bull. She already knows where I am but I need her to come pick him up now before it gets dark. Where can a fella send a telegram?" The owner tells him that he has a machine but it is $100 a word. "That's outrageous! I only have $100." The owner says to him "Better make it good then." The man thinks for a few minutes and plops down the cash. "Send her this word: Comfortable." The owner of the bull looks confused and asks "How will that tell her anything?" To which the man replies "Well my wife can barely read, so she'll just read it reeeeeeal slow."
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Anekdotes 5 months ago

Recipe idea: rosemary and thyme lamb, without the thyme.

I give you, "The Lamb That Thyme Forgot"
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Anekdotes 5 months ago

A milestone

Is one mile closer to the stone.
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Anekdotes 5 months ago

i had trouble swallowing a viagra last night

my neck was stiff for 4 hours
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Anekdotes 3 months ago

Vīrs laimīgs

Sieva ar rūgtumu pārmet vīram:
– Jau atkal esi piesūcies kā ods!
Es vakar biju tik laimīga,
kad biji skaidrā!
Vīrs:
– Bet šodien mana kārta būt laimīgam!
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Ome 3 months ago

jarans-51.mp4

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Anekdotes 5 months ago

I feel so bad for the necrophiliac's sister

She died a virgin but she sure wasn't buried one
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Anekdotes 4 months ago

#1 Uconn women's team going for historic 100th consecutive team in a sold out stadium against #6 South Carolina

Espn2
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Anekdotes 5 months ago

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years

He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
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Anekdotes 5 months ago

Why are the dinosaurs afraid of Gordon Ramsey?

He took a bite from one of his prey and complained that it was "FUCKING RAAAAAAWWWWW!"
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Anekdotes 5 months ago

What does a women say after having 3 orgasms in a row?

Yeah I figured you wouldn't know.
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Anekdotes 5 months ago

He fucked what?

A small child asks his father:

Boy: Dad, where did I come from?

Dad: The Stork, son.

Boy: what's wrong with you dad? Your wife is so gorgeous yet you're out fucking The Stork?
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Memes 3 months ago

Kad ārā ir karsts

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Anekdotes 5 months ago

I was offered sex with a 21 yr old today

In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I declined, because I am a person with high moral standards and strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available with scented lemon or vanilla.
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Anekdotes 5 months ago

Why is it unknown on how pterodactyls urinate especially during flight?

Because the p is silent.
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Ome 3 months ago

jarans-55.mp4

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Ome 3 months ago

jarans-52.mp4

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Anekdotes 1 month ago

Prezidenta pili nekad neviens nav redzējis - tik rūpīgi viņš vienmēr to nokrata
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Anekdotes 5 months ago

A pair of jumper cables walks into a bar

The bartender sighs and says; "I'll serve you, but don't start anything!"
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Anekdotes 5 months ago

Did you hear about the Chinese godfather?

He made him an offer he couldn't understand.
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Anekdotes 5 months ago

There are two types of people

The ones who bang on the wall, And the ones who bang on the wall because I'm banging my girlfriend on the wall
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Anekdotes 4 months ago

3 women talk

"The other day I touched my husband's balls and realized that they are cold. Never noticed before!" - says the first.

Next day the second woman tells to the others:

"That's true! I touched my husband's balls and they are also cold. It's curious."

Next day the third woman appears with her eye blacked.

"What happened?" - her friends wonder.

"Well, I touched my husband's balls and then asked him why his balls are warm but all other men have them cold."
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Anekdotes 5 months ago

A guy calls home

'Hello!?'

'Hey! Honey, you wouldn't believe the day I'm having right now, I lost my phone!'

'Hello, I'm not your wife, I'm Cecelia, your new maid!'

'Oh! That's great! Welcome! I'm having a crazy day right now, can you please hand the phone to my wife?'

'I would but she just locked her room and went in with another man!'

'What!! That's a disaster! As if this day wouldn't get worse!! All these years, all this love for this day! I can't bear this anymore'

'I'm really sorry to hear that!'

'Don't be sorry, it's not your fault! I need a moment to think but time is running out! Do one thing... In the drawer below the phone there's a gun!'

'What!! I won't do anything stupid!!'

'No.. You don't understand.. I'm very rich and powerful.. No one can touch you and I'll pay you a million!'

'But...'

'I'll pay you two million but you have to be quick about it, he shouldn't get away!'

'Okay..'


Cecelia steps away and there are two bangs that are heard.


'I've done it'

'Excellent! Now throw the bodies in the empty pool at the back and I'll take care of them when I get back'

'What pool!???'

'Umm.. Is this 852236709?'
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Anekdotes 4 months ago

Lācītis

Kāpēc rotaļu lācītis teica nē tuksnesim, jo viņš jau bija pildīts!
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Anekdotes 5 months ago

Brian raises his hand and says, “He’s in Heaven.”

A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, “Where is Jesus today?”
Brian raises his hand and says, “He’s in Heaven.”

Susan answers, “He’s in my heart.”

Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, “He’s in our bathroom!”

The teacher is surprised by this answer and asks Little Johnny how he knows this.

“Well,” Little Johnny says, “every morning, my Dad gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells ‘Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'”
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Anekdotes 5 months ago

I hate how you cant even say black paint anymore

Now I have to say "Leroy can you please paint the fence?"
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Anekdotes 5 months ago

What's the best thing about living in Switzerland?

I don't know... but the flag is a big plus. 🇩🇰
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Anekdotes 5 months ago

I thought of the first Fleshlight

As it turns out it already existed but i came to it on my own
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Anekdotes 5 months ago

Did you hear the outrage over the rapist getting four years?

And he gets to live in the White House to boot!
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Anekdotes 5 months ago

Valentines Day Flowers

Blonde #1: Oh how I hate when he brings me flowers. All night I'll be on my back with my legs in the air.
Blonde #2: Don't you own a vase?
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Anekdotes 5 months ago

What's the difference between a Jew in Nazi Germany and pizza ?

Pizza doesn't scream when you put it in the oven .

I'm so sorry.
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Anekdotes 5 months ago

Why did the computer squeak?

Someone stepped on its mouse.
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Anekdotes 5 months ago

Why women need legs?

To avoid leaving tracks like a snail while walking.
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