Anekdotes
1 month ago
Prezidenta pili nekad neviens nav redzējis - tik rūpīgi viņš vienmēr to nokrata
Anekdotes
Anekdotes
2 months ago
asdasdasd
Anekdotes
3 months ago
Vīrs laimīgs
Sieva ar rūgtumu pārmet vīram:
– Jau atkal esi piesūcies kā ods!
Es vakar biju tik laimīga,
kad biji skaidrā!
Vīrs:
– Bet šodien mana kārta būt laimīgam!
– Jau atkal esi piesūcies kā ods!
Es vakar biju tik laimīga,
kad biji skaidrā!
Vīrs:
– Bet šodien mana kārta būt laimīgam!
Anekdotes
3 months ago
Hesītis
Anekdotes
4 months ago
Lācītis
Kāpēc rotaļu lācītis teica nē tuksnesim, jo viņš jau bija pildīts!
Anekdotes
5 months ago
Did you hear the outrage over the rapist getting four years?
And he gets to live in the White House to boot!
Anekdotes
5 months ago
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
Anekdotes
4 months ago
#1 Uconn women's team going for historic 100th consecutive team in a sold out stadium against #6 South Carolina
Espn2
Anekdotes
5 months ago
Valentines Day Flowers
Blonde #1: Oh how I hate when he brings me flowers. All night I'll be on my back with my legs in the air.
Blonde #2: Don't you own a vase?
Blonde #2: Don't you own a vase?
Anekdotes
5 months ago
A lot of women turn into great drivers...
So if you're a great driver, look out for women who are turning.
Anekdotes
5 months ago
Why are the dinosaurs afraid of Gordon Ramsey?
He took a bite from one of his prey and complained that it was "FUCKING RAAAAAAWWWWW!"
Anekdotes
5 months ago
Doctor, are you sure he was Dead?
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
z
PS. This is actual testimony from a trial...........
pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
z
PS. This is actual testimony from a trial...........
Anekdotes
5 months ago
I thought of the first Fleshlight
As it turns out it already existed but i came to it on my own
Anekdotes
5 months ago
A man is shopping for cattle in 1886...
He finally settles on a perfect Black Angus bull. He says to the owner "Here's the money. I need to send a message to my wife to come pick up the bull. She already knows where I am but I need her to come pick him up now before it gets dark. Where can a fella send a telegram?" The owner tells him that he has a machine but it is $100 a word. "That's outrageous! I only have $100." The owner says to him "Better make it good then." The man thinks for a few minutes and plops down the cash. "Send her this word: Comfortable." The owner of the bull looks confused and asks "How will that tell her anything?" To which the man replies "Well my wife can barely read, so she'll just read it reeeeeeal slow."
Anekdotes
5 months ago
Why did the scientist install a knocker on his/her door?
He/she wanted to win the no-bell prize.
Anekdotes
5 months ago
Dad, how do you know if someone is drunk?
Dad: Look son, you see those two people walking by?, if I had seen 4, I would've been drunk.
Son: But dad, there's only one person.
Son: But dad, there's only one person.
Anekdotes
5 months ago
What’s long and hard and full of semen?
A Submarine.
Anekdotes
5 months ago
They say only men and lesbians can be funny...
Must be something in the pussy they're eating
Anekdotes
5 months ago
Scientists have been trying to talk to dolphins for years.
One day it just clicked.
Anekdotes
5 months ago
How many South Americans does it take to change a light bulb?
A Brazilian.
Anekdotes
5 months ago
A pair of jumper cables walks into a bar
The bartender sighs and says; "I'll serve you, but don't start anything!"
Anekdotes
5 months ago
Did you hear about the Chinese godfather?
He made him an offer he couldn't understand.
Anekdotes
4 months ago
An optometrist asks a woman out on a date
I have a couple of ideas:
1: Dinner
2: Movies
1 or 2? 1.. 2..? 1..... or 2?
1: Dinner
2: Movies
1 or 2? 1.. 2..? 1..... or 2?
Anekdotes
5 months ago
Manager : So do you think you'd be a good waiter?
Me : well, you could say I bring a lot to the table.
Anekdotes
4 months ago
What part of the house got busted for drugs?
The attic
Anekdotes
5 months ago
I used to think everyone on 4chan was a virgin,
But this Guy Fawkes.
Anekdotes
5 months ago
I floss religiously.
I do it on Christmas and Easter.
Anekdotes
5 months ago
A milestone
Is one mile closer to the stone.
Anekdotes
5 months ago
Did you hear about Leatherface's jewish cousin?
He was also a serial killer. He liked to dig up the corpses of women and use their skin to furnish his house. After the police arrested him they discovered a whole morbid collection of objects. He had a belt made out of ears, a lampshade made from stitched together faces, they even found a labia menora.
Anekdotes
5 months ago
What's the best thing about living in Switzerland?
I don't know... but the flag is a big plus. 🇩🇰
Anekdotes
5 months ago
A Man Gets Really Drunk
A man gets really drunk at a bar and asks the bartender for the bathroom. The bartender points to the bathroom and the man complains about having to take a serious shit and runs towards it.
A few minutes later the man screams in agony, stops, then screams again. The bartender goes to check it out and yells to the man, "What the hell is going on?"
"Everytime I press the lever, I feel like my balls are getting crushed!" the drunk yells.
"You drunk bastard," the bartender replies, "you're sitting on the mop strainer again!"
A few minutes later the man screams in agony, stops, then screams again. The bartender goes to check it out and yells to the man, "What the hell is going on?"
"Everytime I press the lever, I feel like my balls are getting crushed!" the drunk yells.
"You drunk bastard," the bartender replies, "you're sitting on the mop strainer again!"
Anekdotes
5 months ago
The towns being evacuated under the Oroville Dam all voted Pro-Trump.
Clearly those people love to live in constant fear of disaster.
Anekdotes
5 months ago
What does a women say after having 3 orgasms in a row?
Yeah I figured you wouldn't know.
Anekdotes
5 months ago
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it...
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
'Impossible!' says the doctor. 'Show me.'
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you? 'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'
'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.'
'Impossible!' says the doctor. 'Show me.'
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you? 'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'
'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.'
Anekdotes
5 months ago
Why is the camel called the ship of the desert?
Because its full of Arab semen.
Anekdotes
4 months ago
Burnt my Hawaiian pizza today
Should have cooked it on aloha temperature
Anekdotes
5 months ago
There's a bizarre black-market concession stand in North America which sells only human body parts
Customers who wish to purchase an item must use code-phrases to avoid the authorities' suspicion.
One night a blind man stops by the stand.
"What would you like to purchase today?" asks the cashier.
"Oh, nothing" the blind man says, "I was just *looking* around!"
An few hours later, a deaf man approaches the stand. The cashier realizes he can't hear him, and uses sign-language to ask what he'd like to purchase.
"Well, I *heard* you guys are having a sale!" the deaf man states with a wink and a nudge.
Finally, just before that night's closing time, a muscular man with no apparent disability walks up to the stand. The cashier asks what he'd like to purchase.
"I don't know ... I heard you guys sold *cherries*!" the man states with a look of subtle expectation.
The cashier, despite going through his mental checklist of code-phrases, has no idea what he wants.
"I'm sorry, we've sold-out on that item." the cashier says with a puzzled stare.
"Ah *motherfucking* christ!" the man screams in pseudo-frustration. However, the cashier just stands there with an agitated face.
The customer, realizing his attempts aren't getting through to the employee, tries a different approach.
"Well, that's a darn shame!" he continues.
"And I travelled across the entire *count-*"
The man coughs.
"-ry to get here!"
One night a blind man stops by the stand.
"What would you like to purchase today?" asks the cashier.
"Oh, nothing" the blind man says, "I was just *looking* around!"
An few hours later, a deaf man approaches the stand. The cashier realizes he can't hear him, and uses sign-language to ask what he'd like to purchase.
"Well, I *heard* you guys are having a sale!" the deaf man states with a wink and a nudge.
Finally, just before that night's closing time, a muscular man with no apparent disability walks up to the stand. The cashier asks what he'd like to purchase.
"I don't know ... I heard you guys sold *cherries*!" the man states with a look of subtle expectation.
The cashier, despite going through his mental checklist of code-phrases, has no idea what he wants.
"I'm sorry, we've sold-out on that item." the cashier says with a puzzled stare.
"Ah *motherfucking* christ!" the man screams in pseudo-frustration. However, the cashier just stands there with an agitated face.
The customer, realizing his attempts aren't getting through to the employee, tries a different approach.
"Well, that's a darn shame!" he continues.
"And I travelled across the entire *count-*"
The man coughs.
"-ry to get here!"
Anekdotes
5 months ago
Those ads actually ran.
Yep, that's the joke. Funny how reality has become a joke.
Anekdotes
5 months ago
Why do you ask?
A young Native American boy goes up to the chief of his tribe and asks "Chief, how did we get our names?"
The Chief looked at the boy and said "Oh, that's simple. All parents in our tribe named their children after something that was occurring during their birth. For example, Snowflake was born during a great blizzard. Ember was born during a raging wildfire.
Why do you ask, Two Dogs Fucking?"
The Chief looked at the boy and said "Oh, that's simple. All parents in our tribe named their children after something that was occurring during their birth. For example, Snowflake was born during a great blizzard. Ember was born during a raging wildfire.
Why do you ask, Two Dogs Fucking?"
Anekdotes
5 months ago
These reports of a major snowstorm hitting the Northeast don't concern me.
It's all just flake news.
Anekdotes
5 months ago
So Seamus and Mary are an elderly couple
And they are very private. Ever since they were young they wouldn't talk about sex publicly, but instead developed a code phrase: Doing a load of laundry.
One night they are out at the pub, having a couple drinks, and Seamus turns to Mary and asks "D'ya fancy going home and doing a load of laundry?"
Mary looks at Seamus and says "you know that sounds lovely. Let's do."
They finish their drinks and head home together.
At home they are sitting in front of the fire, Seamus smoking his pipe and Mary with her knitting. Seamus asks "Mary? D'ya still fancy that load of laundry?"
Mary looks at Seamus and says "aye I do, I really do. Let me just finish my knitting."
So Seamus gets up and heads to the bed room.
Mary keeps knitting and forgets all about Seamus.
After an hour she realizes she forgot and jumps up and rushes to the bedroom. "Seamus?" Mary asks, "D'ya still fancy doing a load of laundry?"
From under the covers Seamus replies
"Y'know, Mary, it was a small load, so I did it by hand."
One night they are out at the pub, having a couple drinks, and Seamus turns to Mary and asks "D'ya fancy going home and doing a load of laundry?"
Mary looks at Seamus and says "you know that sounds lovely. Let's do."
They finish their drinks and head home together.
At home they are sitting in front of the fire, Seamus smoking his pipe and Mary with her knitting. Seamus asks "Mary? D'ya still fancy that load of laundry?"
Mary looks at Seamus and says "aye I do, I really do. Let me just finish my knitting."
So Seamus gets up and heads to the bed room.
Mary keeps knitting and forgets all about Seamus.
After an hour she realizes she forgot and jumps up and rushes to the bedroom. "Seamus?" Mary asks, "D'ya still fancy doing a load of laundry?"
From under the covers Seamus replies
"Y'know, Mary, it was a small load, so I did it by hand."
Anekdotes
5 months ago
Roses are red.
Cacti are thorny
I just can't help that
You make me horny
I just can't help that
You make me horny
Anekdotes
4 months ago
Bad Advertisement
Apparently using the words "Never opened" is no good, when trying to sell a parachute..
Anekdotes
5 months ago
Ice Cube was asked if there was a rock band from the 80's of which he would have sex with all the members of...
... and he said "Fuck the Police"
Anekdotes
5 months ago
What are the two most common names of Mexican fire-fighter?
José and Hose B.
Anekdotes
5 months ago
Recipe idea: rosemary and thyme lamb, without the thyme.
I give you, "The Lamb That Thyme Forgot"
Anekdotes
4 months ago
First woman on mars.
Houston we have a problem...OK what is it? If you don't know already I am not going to tell you. You wouldn't understand.
Anekdotes
5 months ago
TIL you can drink lava
But only once
Anekdotes
5 months ago
This guy proposed to his wife after walking away from a terrible car accident without a scratch. He said "Life's too short and it can end at any time."
She said "Honey, we've been married for 7 years. I think you have amnesia."
Anekdotes
4 months ago
You're laughing because I'm laughing.
But I'm laughing braces I just farted.